I started to build my Tribute to Lil Pumkin today. Its been almost three weeks since we found out that the baby I was carrying was no more. Three weeks tomorrow infact, every sunday I remember what I was doing this time three weeks ago and again what happened on the monday and the Tuesday. We were so excited that tomorrow we were gonna go to the hospital to see our baby for the first time. We dedided to take Tarrun with us too. Monday morning I felt a bit excited but also very nervous, scared almost. I didnt think nuch of it at the time. We got to the hospital nice and early, waited in the waiting room with Tarrun with us too. The nurse called me in to weigh me, then told me to wait again. We then got called in to the room where we would see the scan, still felt a bit funy walking towards the room, I walked ahead but then waited for dad and Tarrun. Got on the bed and got ready to see our baby. Tarrun was so excited and so was dad he was going to film it so everyne could see the aby moving on the screen.......but the baby did not move and the lady just came out with it " I'm sorry Suki the baby does not have a heart beat", I kind of heard what she said but didnt really, I don't thnink I realised what that meant, maybe it was shock and I just thought it will be ok. She left the room to get a second opinon while we waited. Dad was pacing the room, Tarrun thought the baby was not well. I was just laying there waiting. The two ladies came back and confirmed that there was no heart beat and infact the baby was dead!! I could not beleive it.. we came here to see our baby not be told its dead. Thinking back I was incredibly calm. I kept saying I was ok, although I had tears coming down my face, I think i like to think it was not happening and was not real and someone, anyone would coe in and say sorry we made a mistake, there is nothing wrong with your baby , it is perfectly ok but no one did.... instead they sat s in a room for ten mins and then moved us upstairs to the early pregnancy ward and we waited for almost two hours before someone came and explained to us exactly what had happened and what was going to happen. In that time we just kept saying how we couldnt beleive what had happened, what was going to happen it was a joke almost two hours after being told my baby was dead a nurse finally spoke to us about our "miscarriage". What we were going to do next. I think it was at this point I realised what had happened and what was happening, maybe I was in denial. She gave us the options that we had, in order to decide how we were going to take my baby out. We chose the elective procedure to remove the retained products of conception.. (EPRC) as at the time we thougt that was the right thing to do. I hada blood test and was sent home with a couple of peices of paper and advised that the surgery would take place tomorrow. I went home and lay in bed for the rest of the day thinking why me? what happened? what went wrong? The next morning we went bak to have to surgery, at 7am, they took me in to theatre at 11am. Prior to that I held my stomach thinking in about 2 hours there will be nothing there it will be gone. 12.25pm I woke up and it was done, the surgen had removed the "unhealthy baby from me that my body had rejected".. I was gutted!! I felt empty, a failure but I had to be strong for everyone else. I went home and got the biggest cuddle of Tarrun.